I am so agitated right now I can barely fucking type.  I am agitated because I am carless.  I am agitated because this means having to rely on other people when I need to get somewhere, which means I have no control over the circumstances under which I get there and which also means I am a huge fucking inconvenience in someone else’s day, which I am always completely aware of and guilty about.  I do not want anyone to make a big deal about coming to get me, because it’s not and it doesn’t make me feel important or wanted, it makes me feel in the way.  It makes me feel restless and upset and fucking agitated.  It makes everything else in my life upsetting.  I am upset that I am eating a sub right now.  I’m upset that I’m drinking Starbucks.  I’m upset that my fucking back hurts for no apparent reason, but God DAMN does it fucking kill.  I’m upset that no one is home for me to just talk to and decompress with.  I’m upset that last night was a shitty night at work and that I went to bed telling myself it would all be fine tomorrow and it isn’t.  I’m upset to the point where I literally just threw a pre-school tantrum in my room which ended in me throwing myself into my chair in a huff of tears and frustration.  I’m upset that I’m so upset I can’t type straight.  I’m upset that I don’t have the means to get myself out of this mess that I got myself into.  I feel like a god-damned hooked fish struggling on the end of a line.  But most of all it just comes back to me being upset with me, because it was my carelessness and sheer stupidity that landed me here in the first place, and you can’t ever go back and do that over, can you?

In Summation

Best Parts Of My Day Today:

• Two midterms, both waaaaaaaay easier than expected
• My least favorite class, canceled!
• Sunshine rain
• Tommorow’s Pre-lab, already finished
• Time to get coffee
• This sentence from my Literary Theory book: “For many of us who consider ourselves lovers of literature, phrases such as ‘the random play of signifiers’ and ‘the transcendental signified’ evoke the kind of fear and loathing the Crusaders must have felt when they learned that the infidels had taken the Holy City”.  That made me throw my head back and laugh out loud.

Worst Part Of My Day Today:

• My white chocolate mocha was totally not mixed up at all

Best Part Of The Worst Part Of My Day Today:

• It was totally not a homogeneous solution!  If you drew samples from the top and bottom sections of the drink, their properties would not be the same!  Cheeeeeeemmmmiiiisssssttttrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy!

Genius

Well, I finished the midterm Friday morning at 5:15, and let me tell you, I was verrrrrrrrry impressed with myself because at one point on Thursday, all I had written was my heading, a title (MIDTERM SHIIIIIIIIIIIT), and the words “It’s Britney, bitch”.

Things I have Done In Lieu of Writing My Literary Theory Midterm:

• Chatted with China
• Gotten a latte
• Listened to Wilco’s “Shot in the Arm” on repeat
• Done several Sudokus
• Gone to work
• Ignored my alarm telling me to wake up and get started
• Used the word “lieu” for maybe the first time in my life

Things I Plan On Doing In Lieu of Writing My Literary Theory Midterm:

• Paint my nails a whorish pink
• Make some beef stew, maybe?
• Stick things under my neighbor Hannah’s door
• Man, that’s basically it

Rebel

Oh my God, I just took an empty tissue box and stuffed it, whole and unflattened, into my trash can. 

My dad would be having an aneurysm if he knew.

Constructive Summer

This summer…. man, how can I even begin to explain this summer?  This summer was probably the best one of my life so far.  This summer was a respite, first and foremost, from the awful.  This summer was everything I needed and had been looking forward to from August to May.  I’d have to say this summer really delivered.  This summer brought the arrival of a beautiful new baby boy into the life of a not-so-close-anymore friend.  This summer saw the realization of a lifelong dream, and it was better than I ever ever ever could have imagined.  This summer I walked down Fifth Avenue, ate lunch in Central Park, drank in a cramped Manhattan apartment with one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met, hailed my first taxi, and had a magical moment on the Brooklyn Bridge.  This summer another dream was reaffirmed.  This summer was work, almost daily sometimes, mostly with people I love and adore and miss to death right now.  This summer was constantly being with my three best friends, whom my heart hurts thinking about sometimes, because the three of them are together and I am here.  This summer I met some interesting characters.  This summer was driving, driving, driving, and loving every minute of it.  I miss that.  This summer was a mini-roadtrip by myself, just me and the open road, to visit someone I loved.  This summer was freedom and money.  This summer was spent partially sleeping on my best friend’s hardwood floor.  This summer was my first shot in a bar, so this summer was sort of illegal.  This summer was the burning of some significant things, things that still cross my mind from time to time.  This summer I cleaned, I cooked, I read not nearly as much as I told myself I would, I stayed up late, I drank, I saw and spent time with everyone I loved.  This summer there was a boy, just as there has always been a boy, but this summer the boy-crush turned out to be a little more lasting and intense than I expected.  Shit.  This summer involved discovering lots of new music at my new favorite music store.  This summer was The Hold Steady, The Hold Steady, The Hold Steady, The Hold Steady.   This summer I totally jinxed myself.  This summer was late night decorating for one of the most wonderful people I know.  This summer was drunken camping and lots of girl talk.  This summer was a mystery knock at the door and the best surprise I’ve ever gotten.  This summer brought the death of a kid that I didn’t even know, yet still brought me to tears during an absolutely bereft moment late one night.  This summer was a walk in the rain.  This summer was worrying about a friend who sometimes seems to be changing too fast for me to keep up with, so this summer was kind of anxious and sad.  This summer was terror at the thought of August, which means this summer was ignoring the fact that August 24th even existed.  This summer was the Olympics, and the Rinehart Olympics.  This summer took me to Florida for some quality sister time, and one relaxing, perfect week with people who share the same ideas about vacation as I do.  This summer was my first flight, but for a very good reason.  This summer was some damn crying into my ice cream in the middle of a Florida street, so don’t think this summer was not occasionally embarassing.  This summer I think I must have met more people who intrigued me or made me laugh or fleetingly crush than any other time in my life.  And finally, this summer literally ended with a bang.

I can’t wait til May.

Weighing My Options

Reasons I Should Not Work At BG Sub:

• shitty pay
• I’d be working with food
• it’s a bit of a walk from my dorm
• I already have a job
• I can’t even stand the way they write the name (technically BGSUb; how clever)

Reasons I Should Work At BG Sub:

• Man, the boy who works the register has a nice smile

Quick Question:

How in the hell does my mother just know how many provinces there are in the Netherlands?

Select Items From My Google Search History

Part 2 (and a sidenote: the earliest items on this list go waaaaaay back to April, so therefore, I really cannot tell you why I was interested in “nubian” or Jewish names or John Larroquette.  April feels like a really long time ago.)

• “This Island’s Mine” by Philip Osment
• Die Bienenkoenigen
• nubian
• mole people
• glaven
• Arbor Day
• Montreal Canadiens
• Jewish names
• Betsy-Tacy
• John Larroquette
• how many countries are there in the world
• Sophocles quote
• the one you are trusting suspiciously dusting the sill
• Cincinnati Christian
• Queen Latifah
• Rena Sofer
• Bay Area Credit
• abrogation
• Madchen Amick wikipedia
• Kigali
• Tina Fey scar
• web md
• dulcimer pictures
• Hedwig and the Angry Inch
• took myself to the movie show, sat myself in the very first row
• heavens to betsy
• Foucault Discipline and Punish (followed, awesomely, directly by…)
• touch my body
• twinkle dwivedi
• Ben Folds way to normal
• Old 97’s
• Charles Keating
• im not a policeman, im a princess

Mrs. October

Oh dear world, I am really loving this weather.  It is all brisk and chilly and overcast and fall.  I think part of me just gets excited when the seasons change because by then end of the last one I’m ready for it to get the hell away from me and never come back, ever.  However, fall is always especially exciting because I hate summer.  Hate it.  I realize that this puts me in some sort of seasonal minority, but I honestly love the cold; I’d rather be too cold than too hot, because it’s not like you can take your skin off (like that Shel Silverstein poem, remember?) and walk around that way.  The only thing to do is shut yourself up in the air conditioning, which is no fun for anyone.  But fall is so perfect for snuggling up in your favorite old sweatshirt and going out amongst the leaves and wind and maybe you’re carrying some hot chocolate or or wearing new boots, and it doesn’t really matter where you’e going because it’s the getting there that’s fun.  I was sitting in my only class of the day today with absolutely no patience for any of this literary theory mumbo jumbo, because I was in a windowless classroom and all I wanted to do was get up and go outside.  Fall always reminds me of football, which always reminds me of home.  I want to go home and laze around on a Sunday afternoon while my mom cooks chili and beef stew and my dad watches the game.  I’ll probably read Time magazine and do absolutely ntohing else but be cuddled up and happy.  Yeah.  Fall makes me happy.